yamiloki

Its been a seriously enjoyable month filled with shopping, improvement in vocals(the most impt) and also, less work and all despite the fact that some design work has made me stay up till early dawn.

I think I might get the chance to enjoy school next week. Canceling all tuition, or rather, let them take a break before I start torturing them again in December.

Well, it's been the most horrid 2 weeks. Apparently, I have a classmate in my final year project group who have trouble paying me back. I have really tried my best to be calm and rational about it despite her asking me common sensical questions and giving me weird anology which totally don't make any sense. I really don't know what to do. I tried to ask her to give me a definite answer with regards to the installment that we both agreed on. The week before, she asked me to give her some time to do her accountings and see how much she could set aside to pay me back. Apparently, she has not been doing her budgeting and has been avoiding the issue with 'see how first'. I really dont understand such people. I came from a secondary school where money isn't a big issue. Everyone's eating Jake's place or Sakae sushi or  Ichiban Sushi after school, or carrying Crumpler and other branded bags. I don't see how 138 could cause anyone a big issue as it is for a really major year end project. We organized an event for our FYP.

My other classmate has also tired to discuss with her but was in vain. By not doing her budgeting, I can see that she subconciously does not want to pay me back. She even asked, "You think I am not going to pay you back?" Yes, I feel that way, honestly speaking. She claims her family has no money, yet, I see a brand new laptop. Right. No money. I heard that her mother also said 'since you're not partaking in the profit, then you do not need to cover the deficit as well.' or something with a similar effect to this. What a Mom. The saying 'Like mother, like daughter' never fails to amaze me. It's so true in this case.

I don't understand them although I accept the fact that such people exist. It's like, if I told my parents I owe my friends money because of bla bla bla, they will give me money the day itself, or the next day to pay them back. After all, they don't want me to be put in a bad light. What a strange mother. In any case, I will not accept her not paying back. I am going to consult my relatives the following week if I hear bad news this coming Tuesday. They're more experienced than me in this sort of thing. It might only be 138, but the other group member (amber) has already paid me. So I need to get it back from her as well. Now, let me share with you guys some of the realllyyy interesting things she said which I felt was totally off, and amazing, in a twisted manner.

Day 1 when school re-opened.

I consulted her about the money matter. She then asked me 'Why do I need to pay?'
Weird, it's a group project, why shouldn't she pay? And guessed what. I explained it to her, and she repeated the same question over the course of 2 days.

Day 2

1: I asked her again about the money matter. She said, 'but I really got  no money to pay, what do you want me to do?' I said 'installments?'

I forgot what we said in details but here's the interesting part.

She suggested 'Why don't me and amber share the 138, meaning we each pay 69?' (Mind that I only understood what she said after I made her repeat 5-6 times)

I reconfirmed with her about what she just said, and went, 'Wtf, are u screwing with me?'

The next interesting part, she tried to give me an anology.

She said ' So say for example, you borrow money from a bank to start a business, and your business made a loss. You're asking me to help you cover the loss?'

Okay, this one was totally off. Agree? It's like, hello, you're in a different wavelength lady. Everyone agreed with me. I asked many people, and I told manyyy people about this. (classmates and outside friends)

Later I suggested her taking some money from her part time job she did during the hols, which was the sun festival event. She earned about $180.

I said 'Why dont you just take out the money you owe me from the 180, you still have about 50 to spend.'
she said 'WHAT! You're aiming at my pay to pay you?!"

Hello,like duh. You owe me money, and you are not intending to try to pay me? Nice.

Yeah. The next time I talked to her about the money, which was last wednesday, she got pissed, positively. LOL

I asked her for a definite answer to how much she could pay me by when. She kept on avoiding the real issue by saying 'see how' .I only have $120 a month for pocket money. Meaning $6 a day for meals..breakfast and lunch. And she said 'Because you're working. So you can survive with $120 a month.' Yeah, she said that without knowing that my pay goes to my vocal teacher and comics, and sometimes, random clothes and outing with friends and when Fann asked her if her $160 per month pocket money was enough for her, and she answered that it was barely enough, I suggested her to go take some part time work. She retorted with, ' Are you asking me to work to pay you back?'

I was...shocked. I didn't even say anything that implied that, or did I? Well, I think if you feel that you do not have enough money, go do some part time. There's nth wrong with that. Before Fann talked to her, I tried to get her to tell me a estimated amount she could pay me by the end of the month, or November, she couldn't answer me. She claims she understands what is a 'definite answer', but could not answer me. Nice. I fell that she's incredibly spoilt, or really picking about things. She's so tough to deal with. I wished I was reasoning with someone who's co-operative and all. If I known this would happen, I would not have grouped with her. Less trouble, and lesser work for me. She kept on repeating her family circumstances to me-like how her father's pay is used to pay for the house rent, and her mother is currently jobless.' and yada yada yada. Well, my family circumstances isn't that great also. Bottom line is if you're willing to work for what you want, you will definitely get it. If not, you can go to the dumps. Society and the world won't wait for you to catch up with them. What a spolit kid, and she's older than me by 2-3 years. I forgot. Sorry, not kid. It'd be 'SIGH, what a spolit woman.'

Recently I heard that she aced one of the highest credits modeule in the last sem. Huhuhuhuhu. I say, that must be a line. She's got be to as smart as Fann to get an A cause only Fann got an A. And her tutorial results isn't that great. hur hur. Even if she really got an A, so what? It ain't gonna pull up her overall GPA. How sad. Anyway, I got a 3.3. UGH. so low. Got all B+s and 1 B. Shit man. I want to hit 3.5!
 
Conclusion: I am really lazy.

I wish this really horrible issue would be over. We're going to discuss it with my FYP lecturer next coming tuesday. I am exhilarated to hear what she have said to my lecturer the last Friday. MANZZZZ...I never faced money problems in my school life before. WHAT A SHITTY SCHOOL LIFE!  For once, I am REALLY SERIOUSLY missing my secondary school. =(((
 

I cant believe that i am this tired even before school starts. I must be lacking in quality rest. But again, whats quality rest? HAHA.

Ah well. I didnt post for the last 2 weeks due to a slight depression over my vocals and needed some time for myself to think some things through and get my priorities right.

So after these 2 weeks...I finally gained back my determination and got over my depression. It was a horrible 2 weeks.

School's going to start again next monday. bloody tired.

Luckily i got a slacker's timetable.

but still, totally sian.

It's not a joke. I am giving up violin, giving up learning violin from professional.

It's all to focus on my singing. It pains me like hell to even think about it. Here's a analogy: You have two lovers, and you can only marry one. You lose the other, more or less, forever. I told this analogy to one of my friends and here's his answer: Marry one and then get a mistress! Which was quite true. I need to spend all my resources, be it money or time on vocals more. After all, I have already sacrifice that much to come thus far. I gave up my normal school life to work like nuts for my vocals fees. I got into all sort of jobs I could find, decent ones.

And I still love singing the most, I will never regret my choice. I can still continue violin later. It's my critical period in singing right now. Whether I make it or not depends on this period. I feel the most confident and comfortable with myself when I am singing, I am able to express my emotions through singing the best. However, it's really painful for me to stop learning violin, after all, I learnt it because I love the sound of the violin. Recently, I heard of one my friend's playing on youtube. It was extremely touching. I mean, ignore those out of tunes and whats not. The music itself is very touching. It's a very beautiful sound. It reminds me of the love songs- Days and Together When by ayumi hamasaki. I mean the lyrics, not the tune.

So I was sulking and feeling sorry over myself yesterday. Thanks to all who was there to cheer me up, haha! I really appreciated it. Lost sleep yesterday night due to this and got my eyes real sore when I woke up (yes, it was what you guys call 'crying') It was darn painful!....I have to give up something I love for something I love for. And I feel that this is not yet the toughest choice i have to make.

Sigh, I am getting overworked recently. Never mind that, this is not the worse. My friend got some weird illness. Poor thing. She was suppose to train her vocals with me...but...haha..she's overworked by NAFA..till she fell sick. And everyone me is falling sick. Oh dear.

I still don't like taking pictures. Here, I am warning models to be careful if u see any mail from sagmac. It's a food magazine and they're casting for models?! WTH. Bad lie man. Not saying that they're fake, but we can't possibly erase that possibility as well. =D

And if you guys think that september wasn't a crazy month, once I think of my october schedule I feel faint. It's less hectic than Sep, but no less....what do I have... a few shoots...a few dinners...etc etc...work (tuition)....Life is so tough. Sigh.

I wonder what's in for me for November and December. Daniel (vocal coach) might be taking a break..==== I can take a break too! xD
 HAHA, well, everyone deserves a break, don't we?

When I am searching for it, I searched for it earnestly.

When I found it, I dare not do anything about it.

And i stayed still, not moving a single inch, not allowing myself to move due to fear.

When I am not seeking it, I found a whole lot of rubbish. That makes sense. But why is it that when I am searching for it, a whole lot of rubbish appeared as well?

This light is going to disappear as well, slowly, but surely.

やっと光が見つけましただと思う。けれど、あたしは動かない、動いたたくないみたい。　それは本当のわたしなのか？何が怖がる？それは分からない。

心が震える。
身は動かない。

わたし、どうするればいいなのかしら？
何も出来ないの私　何処で勇気を探してるなの？

その光は、消えてしまう、私の前に。

That is Love.

Family love-

My family is like some korean drama. Imagine someone doing something wrong under your nose, but you can;t expose her because she's family.

Friendship love-

It's always the toughest, especially to people who love the other party, but the other party only treat the person as a friend.

BGR love-

I cant understand why is it that the people you take interest in do not take the same interest at you. And I also can't understand why people you don't like, likes you.

Really...tired... FYP ends today.YES!!!!!

I wonder if anyone have had a taste of hell before, in their current lives. Have you tasted hell before? It probably would not leave you alone, those lonely scene and cries of fear and torture. Whats worse is --imagine you're the one doing it to them?

Ah. The nightmares are coming back. They started since I was a kid, in secondary school until now. The rain won't stop. The feeling would not go away. Last year when they came back a few times, I made myself a little drunk before I sleep, so that I wouldn't have to face them. Just what is going on? I don't know, and probably don't care to know. Because they would go off after some time, although the it differs from time to time.
Sometimes, months. Sometimes, weeks.

Ah, the rain would not go away, always reminding me of my sins. My nightmare is scary. I won't even try to describe it here...too troublesome. And, it's kinda gruesome. So, no thanks.

Perhaps the price of living in this world is to be constantly reminded of people's sadness and what I have done. This is a really ugly world. Ah, so unfair, dear God.

What puzzles me so much is that...why does it feel so surreal and real? And seems so nostalgic.

That is quite strange.

I hate being stressed out for a few simple reasons.

First, it affects my FACE. OMG. PIMPLES!!!!

Secondly, it affects my voice. (Thats the WORST!)

Third, it affects my HEALTH

Fourth, it makes me simply go crazy and mad.

Just recorded my voice. OMG. There's no emotion. Or lacking in emotion (A lot). I guess I have been to slacked about myself lately. TIme to work BLOODY HARD for my vocal.

Yes...bloody hard. I just realised that i was too slack with myself in the past. Thus...I am still here.

If my vocal teacher were to read this, he'd say 'See, I told you.' or something like 'Oh, you finally realise that after so many months?'

No mercy, I say.

I have decided to pick myself up and risk everything i have into what I am going to do. I am going to be saving-less. Man. sucks. I always want to go holiday in the states as the atmosphere there is great...and to europe...lots of fantastic stuff there.

these plans can be left on the shelves until I get sponsors or earn enough money. Need to go to Japan first. First priority- Japan.

right. I am super angry and pissed at my family. Can someone out there adopt me please? damn it.
My father- he's really self centered, has a big ego, and is a show off. The best part is he can't afford to show off! (in monetary terms)

My mother is a born-gossip monger. or liar. I swear. She's definately going to get it back -karma!

OH My GOD. I am so freaking tired. I cant wait till september's over. But by the time september is over...i will have other stuff to take care of. Like...vocals...and its fees...omg...freaking gosh. 

So tired...but its fulfilling. Oh yeah, that reminds me. Recently, I have grown more cynical, thanks someone. But well, i should take it in my stride and go on. There're many of these sort of people anyway.

I need to get my determination and passion set in the correct direction. And off i go! School term is going to be over soon...what should I do...


 

damn damn damn Rich...I would do/buy:
-more vocal lessons
-more music lessons
-stop working and start playing music everyday
-new violin case
-buy all the novels and comics
-Shopping!
-get driving license
-get a modest car (hate public transport during peak hours)


If I had all the time in the world:
-I would work/play/practice my stuff in a day
-Watch all the anime I have missed
-Watch all the moveis I want to watch but dont have time to watch
-Read all the books I want to read but don't have time to read
-Go catch up with alllll my friends

Too bad I have none which makes things extremely tough and tiring.
Exams are near. And I have a feeling that I am going to procrastinate again.

I have to start saving money big time from now. But i need to get a new music stand and case. I'm also lusting over this rich sounding violin I saw the other day. Hm. Under this sort of circumstances, how would I save enough for my trip? Totally annoying.....time to slog like crazy after exams again.

I just realised that I hate being ignored or when my messages or emails were not replied promptly. Annoys the hell out of me. I should start doing that to the people who does that to me.

-Annoyed-